These past few years have been rough without you. I mean it wasn’t really “without you”. You were always there. I just couldn’t find you in the usual places. And when I did find you, the connection always felt numbed. It was like seeing your best friend, only they weren’t your best friend anymore.
If I’m being honest (which I might as well be since there’s no point lying to you) I didn’t want to connect. I didn’t want to need you. I wanted to brave enough to live in a world where you didn’t exist. But I’m not. Or if I am, I don’t want to be.
I did need you. I still do, desperately. Luckily, you knew that. You still know that.
So you gave me my space. But you still checked up on me, because you love me. You showed up for me again and again, in the new places and spaces and people I found; teaching me that you are everywhere; showing me that you will never leave me. I used to think that was cliché. It’s not. It’s true. At least, I believe it is true.
You’re clearly clever, God. You don’t have this outstanding ego that history books and dogma would have me believe. But you know that human beings do. That’s why since forever began you have appeared and appealed to people in ways — diverse and powerful — that played to their sense of purpose and ego. You covered all your bases. You still do. You sneaky God.
I think I get it. It’s not important to you that we know you by name. It’s important that we know you by love. Because our hearts generate the potential for immortality — whatever immortality looks like.
So I’m crawling my way back to you. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. But I’m also not sure that’s the point.
Thank you. I love you.